Pumpkin pie

Josh brought me some pumpkin pie today along with his presence. Having him sit here beside me right now just reminds me of how different we are. He went to goodwill today while wearing polished black dress shoes and a abercrombie button down. I am sitting here without shoes on behind my ironing board. I just wrote a business paper and it only took me three Mountain Dews to get through it. Should I ditch the business guy act???

I love Sam Walton though. He is the only reason I keep Ross the business man around.

This is Josh.  First off, the casual reader must understand that Ross is a compulsive liar.  I know for a fact that everything he said about me was a lie.  For one, Caitlin and I went to Southern Thrift Store down Charlotte Ave.  Secondly,  I am wearing cargo shorts I made myself from an old pair of khakis, a solid white t-shirt and a three year old pair of Nikes.  What makes this story even worse is that Caitlin bought him a tie!  He made up all those lies and Caitlin bought him a gift.  Also, he did not drink three Mountain Dews.

What he was telling the truth about was that he does actually do his work barefoot.  In fact, he just left the counter area where he could safely hide his gargantuan big toes and awkwardly arched and heavily calloused feet to interact with the customers in front of the counters.  Barefoot.  Ross the business man is truly a sight to behold.

Blah Blah Blah could Josh’s life get any more boring? He is twenty three years old and already has a dead end job with no girlfriend. The tie Caitlin (some random girl from Josh’s high school) bought me looked like a tie I would possibley see on a fifty year old veterinarian. A man just came in a bought a magnet which came to total of 2 dollars and 98 cents. When I handed him his change I said, “For what its worth here’s my two cents.” All of Flag World erupted in laughter. For a second, just for a second, I felt like we were all just one big family. It made my day.

Ross’ hypocrisy never ceases to amaze me.  The guy who has a steady job- wait- he actually works only one day a week- recently wrote a blog on how he broke up with Baseball, whom he named his girlfriend.  So let’s review the facts: Ross is actually the one with a dead end job and no girlfriend.  It pains me to say this, but when he made that horrific joke about his “two cents,” him and the man he made the joke too were the only ones in Flag World.  So, when he says that all of “Flag World erupted into laughter,” it was actually only him that laughed because the other guy didn’t think it was funny.

Sitting here with Joshie is like babysitting a three year old. He is always spilling things and knocking things over. Just moments ago he grabbed a cotton Rebel flag and blew his nose in it. I broke a coffee mug over his head. Also, let it be known that he was not here when I made the now infamous “two cents” joke. He was out on the street threatening to take some poor homeless guys guitar away because he refused some stupid heavy metal song.

Actually, if you could just follow Ross around for awhile you would see that all he leaves in his wake is a path of destruction.  Behind him lies flipped cars, splintered cell phones, dead chunks of callous skin cells from his Ped Egg, and two or three cracked laptops.  Right now, I can see a half eaten pumpkin pie, an entire bowl of soup, and remnants of turkey and grilled cheese sandwiches.   Added to this is Ross lifting up his arms straight in the air, sniffing his arm pits and asking me “Can you smell me?”  Ross just made the two cents joke again and the elderly man who had to suffer through looked at me and asked, “Do you really have to work with this?”  When it comes to relative ages Ross is clearly the younger.

Everybody knows I have no natural body smell so therefore why would I ask Josh that question? I wish he would stop using BO jokes. They have made us all a little to uncomfortable for a little to long.

It seems I have backed Rossie into a corner and he has nothing funny more to say. Goonight and Goodluck.

-Ross Hoss

-Joshie Poshie


1 Comment

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One response to “Pumpkin pie

  1. BK

    i was going to wait for some opportune moment to say i had something for you, hand you two pennies, and resurrect the joke. unfortunately i probably wont see ross hoss for five days, and i fear the funny may be gone by then…

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