The day that I anxiously would anxiously wait for months as a toddler is finally upon us. How do I celebrate this pagan holiday? Well let me tell you. I don’t. Right now I am sitting at my ironing board in Flag World and have encountered at least six people so far this morning. Nobody wished me a happy Halloween and I wish a happy Halloween to nobody. I hope this trend continues throughout the day. Call me old and cynical, I don’t care.
Reasons why Halloween takes a back seat to every day in the year including every Monday.
1. People dress up as the Devil. Do I think Jesus looks down on His planet and sees kids running around dressed up as His biggest enemy in the entire… well entirety and is happy about it? No.
2. America is obese enough for goodness sake. I have an idea. Lets make a holiday in which we can give the fattiest foods out on the planet for free to a country in which one out of every five kids are overweight. Good. Excellent. Great. Keep poppin’ those mini sized Milky Way’s not so little Johnny. Yeah, good luck in junior hight that is all I am saying.
3. You like to scare people? Really? There is only one circumstance in the world in which I like to scare and/or be scared. That is in the rare case of having the hiccups. I don’t find pleasure in hiding in bushes, lying in wait until the six year old neighbor girls walks by, then try to grab her ankles so that maybe she will scream. What in the world? Please let us not try to scare each other anymore. It is a means to NO end. Unless you have the hiccups of course.
4. Girls Girls Girls. Why can girls be so scantaly clad on Halloween and nobody bat an eye? Moving on…
5. “What are you going to be?” “OHHH What are you going to be?” Life is hard enough without having to come up with a Halloween costume. What if its not funny? What if its weird? What if I wear the same thing as someone else? What if I show to much cleavage? What if I’m the only one to dress up? What if I cry because of this horrible holiday and my make up runs? My scary scar, blood, white make up of course.
I will probably add to this later but I have to go to class now… Sorry to the Gregory family who I know this probably offended, but who I also know probably did not read this.
Ross the cynical Hoss