As most of  you know I am from a small town right outside of Nashville known as Joelton Tennessee. The Joelton has never been so evident in my life as it was yesterday. My little red Honda has not been running very well lately so I thought I would treat her to some new spark plugs. Of course I was not going to pay someone to do this for me so around five o’clock yesterday I walked outside my ritzy West End condo and began to work on my car. The hood was up and I was down. I was up to my neck in grease and oil and that is when it happened….

Apparently the Vanderbilt girl’s cross country team practices their long distance runs around five o’clock. On this particular day I guess their coach wanted them to experience the neighborhood so he set them off a journey that would include running right by my condo complex. 

So I see them coming from about fifty yards away and try to wipe as much of the oil off my face as possible. I even turned my raggity baseball hat around to forwards. I estimate to have worn my hat forwards outside of a baseball field maybe three times in my adult life. Anyways, the fleet of women are upon me before I could say I hate my little red honda. So there I was appearing as if I had just broke down right outside this nice condo complex and was not even worthy to step foot inside. The girls ran by trying to catch glances of this dirty boy who had stumbled to the nice part of town by way of some accident surely. They huffed they puffed and turned up their noses. I felt like I was wearing flannel and flip flops at the presidential inauguration ceremony. One of the girls even had the audacity to tell me to get the h&$# out of their way. I was not even in their way……

After a solid five minutes of crying I got over it and finished putting in my spark plugs. Since I have failed to leave the condo without a tie on. Is this fancy town changing me? Maybe…



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5 responses to “

  1. Donna

    I think it is the Vandy girls who need to change. You are doing great and fine just the way you are. I know it is hard to believe that I was ever your age and younger but personally I always like the guys who worked hard and drove older cars. To me it was a sign of good character as opposed to the young guys who never worked for anything and drove brand new cars purchased by their parents. I know what I say doesn’t probably count for much but that is what I thought when I was younger. Love, Mom

  2. Schmoffly

    Oh Ross Hoss, if you have oil all over your face while trying to change your spark plugs I think you were doing something wrong…

    And who gives a crap what some Vandy cross country runner thinks? She probably stuck her finger down her throat when she got done running to throw up and lose weight to become even more skinny.

    Plus you do live there at the condo so who cares what their perception of you is. PLUS, I think girls cross country gets a hefty amount of scholarship so there is no telling what any their backgrounds are. Some of them might not even be able to afford a car at all.

    You are just fine by my book, brother.

  3. Schmoffly

    You are such a liar…I take back all the nice things I said about you above.

  4. James Hayes


    I think you’re right. You should feel really bad. Those girls chose to be born into uber-rich families so that their toughest decision in life would be which color BMW to drive the day they turned 16. You chose the Moffitts. Nice. How do you feel about that decision now? Josh is a pitching wedge away from nuclear reactors, Steve knits 8th-grader’s names on hats all day, and Donna is constantly exasperated. All of that equals you leaning over the world’s first Honda wondering why the blonde won’t look at your grease-stained face. It’s time to get with it. Set up an office in the closest Starbucks, listen to NPR, and pay $400 for a pair of jeans. All of this is what I call the West End Snob Starter Kit. The blonde will love it.

  5. Ross,

    I don’t care what those snob hob Yankee rich girls thought. The way I figure it is: it’s their loss. Because I know how good you look all cleaned up and I know you’re an awesome guy who is always doing good things, and I know you’re the only one to help my oldest whelp when he put way too much oil in HIS old blue Honda that time. You actually scootched up under his car without a jack, undid the oil plug, and let enough oil out so he could get it home. This is in the Tiger Market parking lot by the Titan’s field at about 9:30 at night. I’m not sure Kellye’s SEAL cousin wouldn’t have had his Glock off safety in that situation.

    Ross with the oil on his face, I salute you

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