Pregnancy.

I have only been around a few pregnant women in my lifetime. One of them has been my sister-in-law Caitlin Hoss. We are expecting a new little girl to be born into the Hoss Clan any day now. I have made myself responsible for teaching her a few things so that life as we know it may be a little easier for her than it was for the rest of us who I didn’t tell things to at an early age. By the way Cait, Hoss is just my last name in internet land. Calling you “Caitlin Hoss” earlier has nothing to do with the fact your body has undergone a few changes… Yeah, Anyways, here are a few life insights if you will that I plan on sharing with my niece once she is old enough to talk and stuff.

1. Don’t date in high school. Your parents are the only ones in the history of the universe who have successfully pulled that off. Just have fun and make as many friends as possible.

2. Don’t date baseball players. You are surrounded by a fun loving baseball loving family. However, baseball players are bad news so stay away from them. Unless they go to Church three times a week.

3. Do not say the “F” word. Your grandmother would faint.

4. Experiment with lots of different catfish baits before you choose one for good. There are a lot of choices out there.

5. Let me teach you how to change a tire.

6. If you are ever having car problems call me so I can call Dad aka Pop so he can tell me what to tell you in order to fix it.

7. Always wear one pieces when swimming at the YMCA. Some weird people swim there.

8. Stay away from the Panama City Beach Strip on Spring Break. But if you do go, let me know, I’ll give you 5 dollars in which you can buy a souvenir.

9. If your Father tries to give you advice call me afterward so I can tell you really what’s up.

10. Studying for 6 hours every night does not make you cool.

11. Drive a truck. Better to haul stuff with.

12. Always be yourself.

13. Just tell your friends to call me Uncle Hoss.

14. Get a job and pay for your own Forever 21 clothes. You will respect them more.

15. I will get you an xbox 720 for Christmas. Not a problem.

16. Exercise so you feel better about yourself. Like if you say you are going running. Actually run. Don’t just put a cute outfit on and go out there and jog at a pace slower than a walk.

17. Love and expect nothing in return.

18. Invest your time in other people. You will have more hang out options on the weekends.

19. Change your own oil.

20. Never date a dude shorter than you. I wont be able to take him seriously.

21. If you do bring a dude home to meet Uncle Hoss then he better not be sagging, or spitting in my garage.

22. Stay away from getting a little dog. Always get a big dog. Or at least a dog with a big heart and a big appetite like the late Rusty.

23. What? Your Dad is making you stay in and learn things on a Friday night? Let me talk to him.

This is just a short sample of all the things I plan on sharing with her. I’m sure there will be thousands of more things along the way. She’ll be a good girl. At least if Uncle Hoss has anything to say about it.

Ross Uncle Hoss.

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5 Comments

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5 responses to “Pregnancy.

  1. schmoffly

    Ross,

    This is really nice and funny and I will save it so she can read it. But why are you busting on my study habits so much?

    Sincerely,
    Josh a.k.a Madelyn’s Dad

    P.S. Is that old man and the oriental girl supposed to be you and Madelyn?

  2. mccoolio

    Dear Madelyn,

    RossHoss is probably the Premier Uncle but when you need advice or baby-sitting you would be in even better hands with Great-Uncle Donnie and Aunt Kellye because:

    #1 He, with your grandparents Steve and Donna, taught RossHoss everything he knows. So you would better off skipping the middleman.

    #2 We have great tasting and copious amounts of cereal at Uncle Donnie’s house.

    #3 We did a great job helping raise little girls not our own. Look at Taraleigh.

    #4 We’ll do more than just advise you on getting a big dog. We will get you a big dog.

    #5 We’ll not just teach you to fish. We will take you out to eat raw fish anytime you want.

    #6 Uncle RossHoss will give you his old worn out XBox. Me and Aunt Kellye will buy you a new, state of the art gaming system.

    #7 Joelton is way cooler than Bellevue.

  3. Donna Moffitt

    Well…between all of Madelyn’s uncles there won’t be anything left for me to teach! 🙂

    Maddy’s Mimi

  4. schmoffly

    Donnie, I remember my rough introduction to #5 at your hands…you better find a gentler way of showing her what sushi is like!

  5. mccoolio

    Well Josh, I admit to a few mistakes in my life and I admit that holding peoples head while trying to stuff monster pieces of raw fish in their tightly closed lips might not have been the best way to introduce them to sushi. I’ve adopted a far gentler approach which seems to work way better.

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